Testimonial Tuesday | Diamond Dunbar
Hello World,
In my last post, I introduced you guys to "Testimonial Tuesdays!" Today the individual holding the platform will be, me.
Diamond Dunbar 21 year old "I hope that by telling my story of a second chance, helps someone take their first chance a whole lot more serious."
I would like to talk about my mental state and battle. For many years now I've been at war with myself in my mind and for a long time I thought it was normal. According to Doctors, I suffer from mental illness. But that's another story. This one particular story brought substance to me and my life. I was living on campus attending a public university. I had been managing on my own and undergoing the dark place in a subtle way. Unfortunately until one day, I had went into that mentally dark space but it was nothing like before. Although it's a place I'm more than familiar with. It's a place where all things negative and bad dwell. It's a place of misery and deceit. It's a place that holds no regard for anyone not even the owner. Anyways, the low point I had hit was the lowest of them all. It was pushing me to commit suicide. Half my mind and heart screaming out "Die" the other half saying "Live!" Literally every thought is sometimes a head on debate in my mind. Being indecisive can cause many distinct implications in my life, I've learned. It was a chilly day and little did I know it was only gone get colder. I woke up in distress, my mind was filled with hurt and pain. Memories started to flow through like previews before a movie. I tried to shut my thoughts down but it just didn't work. I'd usually just grab some bud and analyze but today everything was getting the best of me so I went out for help! I knew I was in trouble because I actually wanted help something I never wanted before. I went to go see my campus Physician, I begged and cried to see him. Unfortunately being a Doctor, your sort of are always busy which is why appointment setting is apparently so valuable. After breaking down into a puddle of complete agony. I shut my emotions off by giving in. What did I give in to, you ask? I gave in to life, I was defeated. I know longer wanted to fight because that would mean I'd have to keep fighting. So I got myself together and I left the clinic and went to my dorm. I no longer needed to contemplate, help was unreachable and I was mentally gone. I begin to say my goodbyes to my loved ones aloud to myself, with my cries of sorry. Then once again I shut myself down and began the process. First I tried to suffocate myself but instantly failed when my conscious mind attacked me. That's when I realized I couldn't consciously kill myself for real. But I wanted to die, I wanted to die in that very instant!
I made a decision that my death would be from overdosing on drugs.
I locked my dorm room door including the chainlock. Still secretly screaming on the inside, I wanted someone to save me so I decided to leave my bathroom door unlocked (my dormitory has individual bathroom that are shared between two rooms). Besides I realized they'd need to get in somehow to dispose of my body. After that, I began to gather every pill I had and sadly I had a lot due to the fact I was prescribed medication for my mood disorder and insomnia that I never wanted to take. So I took handfuls of the pills and stuff them in my mouth a time swallowing with water. After consuming over 30 pills, I immediately felt the dynamics in my body change. I grew physically weak immediately. Staggering my way to my bed to lay down. I felt my body begin to lose its functions and my mind went pitch black. Apparently by this time I was out cold and unresponsive. I was found by campus police due to someone at the clinic being really concerned about the behavior I had displayed. They weren't able to get in through my door so they came in exactly how I planned for anyone who cared to. They rushed me to the local hospital to see if I could be saved. And considering I'm writing this blog they were profoundly successful. I realized I had to have a calling on my life if I could be that close to death and still not die. That very moment as I opened my eyes 6pm in the evening the next day I felt something in my spirt change, I wanted to live. I wanted to fight again! I wanted to control my own mind and not let it control me! I literally was in awe because it was as if Life had told me "You can't take the easy way out, so you'll just have to learn." Which was literally a lesson I've been avoiding because I always want to take the easy way out and this particular moment I realized that was never the route for me. I am a complex being so things that are easy and simple will never intrigue nor work for me.
So my message to you all, is to allow yourself to feel and accept those feelings. Do not shun yourself because everyone else does. Do not count yourself out like I did because not all of us are lucky to recover. Love yourself and accept yourself! Don't be afraid to get help and if it's constantly unavailable, learn how to be there for yourself. I started to look for ways to help myself and I always felt a release with my words so I started to take my writing into a new perspective. I quickly learned I possessed everything I needed and that having faith in myself was more than enough. This is one of the stories that made me who I am today! I hope you enjoyed read! The Diamond Effect x The Diamond Boutique
